To the guy who once carelessly held my heart in his hands

“At some point, you have to realize that some people can stay in your heart but not in your life.” – That is your tweet dated February 5, which I only read now, which also inspired me to write this post. Now, it doesn’t have my name on it but I’m pretty sure you were referring to me. I have my reasons for thinking such and they’re all pretty convincing. So here is my reply to both that tweet and the messages you sent me:

Those were five good years we had. It wasn’t the best relationship, we would still be together right now if it was, but it was better than what most people our age have had and I’m grateful. Even the way we parted ways was considered admirable by some.

Right after we broke up, I promised to myself that we wouldn’t fall under the same fate as most ex-couples who drift away from each other or, worse, hate each other. We were, after all, much better at the friendship part of the relationship than the actual relationship part of the relationship. People who didn’t know us often thought we were simply friends instead of a couple and I always took it as a good thing. I didn’t hate you for breaking up with me, and you didn’t hate me for refusing to get back together with you when you wanted to so I really did think we’d be the exception.

That is until I realized how extremely hard it was to be so close to you and to not treat you as if we were still together, and to not expect you to treat me the same way. I never told you this but I’m telling you now (if ever you do end up reading this, which I highly doubt, so I’m basically just saying this for special effects): I don’t regret our relationship, I regret our relationship after our relationship. It was like we weren’t together anymore but we might as well be but we chose not to because, well, I don’t really know why.

I still gave you my heart when you couldn’t give me even just thirty minutes of your time.

Sometimes, I wish you were man enough to tell me off, to just slap me in the face with the truth and tell me to quit acting like we were still together. It would’ve hurt like a ton of bricks falling on my pinky toe, but in hindsight, that still would’ve been better than you simply accepting everything I gave without bothering to give anything back.

I eventually learned though. I am forever proud of myself for realizing how in deep shit I was and for actually doing something about it. I took the remaining shreds of dignity I had left and walked away.

And after awhile, my dignity and my heart became all whole again. I’m happy, and I don’t mean just my mood. I am happy.

Then you decide to come back and ask for the friendship that, sadly, started to disappear the same day our relationship did, that completely ended when took me for granted. You demand time and attention that, frankly, I’m in no mood to give… time and attention that you really don’t deserve. And you have no right whatsoever to make me feel bad about feeling this way.

I agree with your tweet, though, that people can stay in your heart without staying in your life. And I have my own theory on why. It’s because sometimes, people like you only realize who the people in your heart are when they aren’t in your life anymore. I do hope we could revive the kind of friendship we once had. But trying to hurry it up would just put a damper on things, don’t you think?

So to the guy who once carelessly held my heart in his hands, I don’t hate you. I don’t even dislike you. I just, you know, love me. I love me enough to put my feelings, responsibilities, priorities and dreams first before you, which is how it really should be.

I hope you understand. After all, you did the same thing to me not too long ago.

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3 thoughts on “To the guy who once carelessly held my heart in his hands

  1. vyvacious February 11, 2013 / 6:47 am

    Wow, I love this! This really speaks out to me because sometimes I have friends who don’t understand why I still think about an ex from time to time but that doesn’t mean I necessarily want them back in my life. I think it’s normal and the sooner you accept that there is no clear cut line, the sooner you can move on with your life and become truly happy.

    This also hit a note with me because I just wrote about finding love in 2012… Check it out if you haven’t already and are feeling up to it ๐Ÿ™‚ I think you might be pleasantly surprised!!

    http://vyvacious.com/2013/02/10/happy-lunar-new-year-plus-my-pictures-your-story-winners/

    • Kathryn G February 12, 2013 / 3:58 pm

      Read it and liked it. Great post! I love that moment – when you realize that you’ve fallen in love with yourself. I know it sounds so conceited but it really isn’t. It’s actually quite uplifting to one’s soul. Sadly, it’s also something that isn’t experienced by a lot of people nowadays.

      • vyvacious February 12, 2013 / 6:13 pm

        Thanks!

        It really is a wondrous moment…one that I didn’t fully comprehend until it happened ๐Ÿ™‚

        That’s what I was afraid of when I was writing that post…that I would sound so full of myself! But it’s so, so worth it since I’m worth it! ๐Ÿ˜‰

        That’s very true. I think that’s why it took me so long to experience it but I’m so glad that I did. Better late than never, right?

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