My best friend is suicidal

Update 03/04/13: My best friend, one year later.

We were sitting outside a milk tea cafe. She got up from her seat and told me to go with her inside, so I did. I always go with her. She’s my best friend after all. As we lined up in the counter, she asked me if I noticed anything different about her. I said I didn’t. I suck at that, you see. You could grow a full beard and I wouldn’t even look twice. I knew something was up though by the way she behaved so I started to look at her more closely as she ordered her drink. Nothing. When she was done, she turned to me and said, “I got diagnosed with clinical depression. I’m taking antidepressants and painkillers so I’m a bit groggy now.” When we last saw each other, she told me she’d been feeling unhappy and she didn’t know why, so the news wasn’t a big shock to me. This, however, was:

“Oh, and I also tried to kill myself last Thursday.”

We were already near our table when she told me that. And when I heard it, all I said was “Oh. Okay.”

Oh. Okay.

This girl has been my friend for over 10 years now, and it feels like she’s been my best friend for much longer than that. She casually tells me that she tried to commit suicide and all I could come up with was “Oh. Okay.” I didn’t break down and cry and beg her not to do it again. I didn’t grab her by the shoulders and force some sense into her. I didn’t even get mad at her for not telling me about it sooner, for not thinking of calling me while she was in her bathroom cutting herself.

What do you do when your best friend tells you she tried to kill herself? What do you do when the word suicide is associated with the person you love literally more than life itself? Tell me.

TELL ME!

Because seconds after she said that, she was laughing her ass off because of an unfunny joke made by another friend and I was just looking at her the whole time and, I’m telling you, I felt nothing. I was staring at her, not feeling anything. And that moment right there, when I replay the whole scene over and over and over and over again, is what kills me.

Do you know what else kills me? Throughout high school and college, she’s always had people stabbing her both in the back and in the front. Girls would hate her because their boyfriends would flirt with her. Guys would hate her because she’d befriend them but not date them. Even I fought with her at one point. She’s been called every nasty name you could possibly think of. But she never let any of that pull her down. Whenever she found out a friend turned out to be an enemy, she wouldn’t cry or feel sorry for herself. She’d give her the finger and simply walk away. The more people hated her, the more she loved herself to make up for the love she lost.

And now, she’s tried to kill herself because she’s depressed and she doesn’t know why. She’s overcome the worst kind of bullying, she’s endured being labeled as the school slut in high school and she’s exceeded the limitations and discrimination set on her by the people around her. After going through and defeating all that shit, she tries to kill herself and she doesn’t know why. She doesn’t fucking know why! How can you make someone feel better when she herself doesn’t even know why she’s depressed in the first place? That kills me. That kills me because I can’t fight ghosts. She doesn’t know, so I don’t know.

But the biggest reason why I feel like there’s a million knives piercing my heart, why I find it extremely difficult to breathe properly, why my chest is honest to God literally physically in pain right now is the complete understanding and realization of this one simple fact: I almost lost my best friend.

My best friend is suicidal.

Not for long. I’ll make sure of it. Not for fucking long.

You don’t give up on the people you love. But you can only hope that they won’t give up on you.

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13 thoughts on “My best friend is suicidal

  1. G March 18, 2013 / 7:16 pm

    LOvely…. Absolutely lovely.. way to go. You never give up on people you love.

  2. fantagenailpolish March 18, 2013 / 8:33 pm

    so sweet. but, my advice, is you dont say anything. you listen, and give advice if the person asks. im sick of people telling me what i should do and whats gonna help, and how this is because im just growing up. so yea. dont do that. im 13 btw. ignore my username.

    • Myself November 13, 2013 / 5:03 am

      I am also thirteen… My best friend also told me she wanted to kill herself. The way she talks about her parents insinuates that she thinks they hate her. They call her names, but as far as I know she hasn’t endured any physical abuse. Other than that, I can not fathom why she says she is suicidal, other than the fact that she wants attention. She has good grades, is very pretty, and even knows about a few boys that like her. I do not understand why she feels this way… does anyone have ideas?

  3. unicornznglitter March 19, 2013 / 12:24 am

    I was suicidal from a massive break up I emdured recently and it took a complete stranger to get me out of the depression. What he did was show me a new way of life. I was a runner and well im getting back into it but when he realized it wasn’t what I needed he began to ask questions about what was it I dreamed about and he tried his best to help me make my dreams come true. So as a person that has been in your friends shoes once I would suggest for you to try to help your friend remember dreams she once had but never reached, take her hiking let her see the beautu of life around her, plan small getaway trips because her current surroundings are the causes of the depression and attempts.

  4. supashmo March 19, 2013 / 1:47 am

    Perhaps she wasn’t as resilient to all that stuff as she thought she was. Things sink deep.

  5. Daile March 19, 2013 / 4:07 am

    All she wants is for you to be there for her, for you to take her out to coffee, laugh and have a chat about whatever. Unfortunately there is nothing you or anyone else can do for her as she has a lot of work to do for herself.

    My brothers girlfriend took her life 3 months ago and her family, friends and especially my brother did all they could to help and support her, she was in hospital, on medication and seeking professional help.

    Sometimes it’s the person who needs to take responsibility and it sounds like your friend has. Good on her for being open with you about it. Let her know you are available to talk about it as much or as little as you want.

    All the best x

  6. misssisca March 19, 2013 / 5:57 am

    well.. as a christian, we’d been told that if a person is suicidal, she must have an unsolved business inside her heart, probably a feeling of rejection, unwanted somehow which she kept inside for sooooo long and yes she still fighting for her identity in a defensive way (suicidal, intrevert, etc.) just be with her.. i have a bestfriend who is suicidal as well.. just be with her no matter whatever the condition..

  7. Gandalf March 19, 2013 / 10:29 am

    Dear Kathryn,

    I understand your problem. Your daily prayers and your best friends along with it can help a lot. It is very important and your everyday moral support. Perhaps my article will be of some use: http://osvemuisvacemu.wordpress.com/2012/12/19/suicide/. Sorry for my bad English.
    Regards.

  8. Britt June 3, 2013 / 4:05 pm

    Wow.
    My best friend also just told me he tried to OD a couple nights ago. Like you I just stood there, we talked about it a bit. I asked why and he explained. I didn’t cry, I didn’t shake him and tell never to do it again. I was calm and he was calm. In hindsight I’m like mad at myself that I didn’t cry or do something more emotional to show him I care. I love this kid more than almost anyone, it scares the shit out of me to know he tried to do that. I wish you luck with your friend. I know how you feel.

    • Kathryn G June 6, 2013 / 3:44 pm

      Thank you. She’s doing so much better now. She doesn’t need to take antidepressants anymore which is such a huge improvement. That said, I want you to know and I want your best friend to know that life can get better. Rarely does it get better right away, but I can guarantee that it will. I hope your best friend will take that to heart. I’ll be praying for you both.

  9. nephellia October 4, 2013 / 11:08 am

    I think the response you gave at the point was one of the best she could have gotten. =) You didn’t judge her for what she did, she didn’t have to feel like you’re now scared of her. You didn’t over-react and become really negative. You just listened, and you were there for her, and that was all she really needed. Your post was pretty amazing throughout. Take care of yourself though! =)

    • Kathryn G October 6, 2013 / 4:31 pm

      Thank you very much. She’s doing much better now, even with her bad days. Thanks again and have a wonderful day.

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