To my mother

I remember that one Friday in 2006. We were alone in the room. You just found out that I got in big trouble at school. I’ve never seen you so furious and heartbroken and disappointed. I kept telling you that what my school was accusing me of wasn’t true, but you weren’t having it. I was so mad at you for not believing me. But I’m telling you now that you had every right not to… because I lied.

I remember another Friday which was just a few weeks after that first one. We were in the same room. The school called again. You were angry and you were shouting and crying at the same time. I was angry and shouting and crying too. I kept saying it wasn’t true and, like the first time, you didn’t believe me. I’m telling you now that you should have because I was really telling the truth, but also that you not believing me was exactly what I deserved. 

Our relationship before was dysfunctional and, to put it bluntly, just downright broken. We said some nasty things to each other – that is, if we ever spoke to each other. You accused me of loving my ex-boyfriend’s mother more than I loved you. You told me I was the reason you were constantly having high blood pressure. You didn’t bother hiding the fact that you favored my two sisters over me. On the other hand, I never talked to you unless I needed something. It became so natural to me to lie to you about where I was going and who I was with. My priorities didn’t include you – I was fine with having such a horrible relationship with you as long as my relationships with others were going well. 

I was the worst daughter and, to be honest, you weren’t the best mother.

Unlike most messed up relationships, we didn’t have that big relationship-changing moment.  We never had that heart-to-heart talk that would turn everything around. And I honestly don’t know what happened that made our relationship become the way it is today. I’m just beyond grateful that it did.

I’m not saying our relationship is perfect. You can be impatient and demanding, I can be stubborn and hardheaded. You sometimes want me to go in a certain direction while I think I’m better off going in another. I sometimes don’t make an effort to understand the decisions you make. 

But after all the shit we’ve been through, I can say with all my heart that our relationship, while not perfect, is at its personal best. 

I get to talk to you now about stuff I would never consider telling you before. I get to have dates with you and not be worried about awkward silences or conversations. I get to laugh at you and with you. I get to ask you if a dress looks good on me or not. I get to be asked if a dress looks good on you or not. Most of all, I get to tell you I love you and not be hesitant to say it. 

I’m sorry for all the times I made you mad and disappointed in me and for making you cry. It pains me that I can’t assure you that they won’t ever happen again, but I can guarantee you that if they do, I will not be too proud to apologize nor too grown-up to drop everything and be there for my Momma. 

I’m also sorry for not being able to spend Mother’s Day with you. Not only did I have to go to work on your special day, you also volunteered to drive me there at five in the morning.

You fill my heart with so much love, Mom. I hope I can do the same for you. And I promise you that one day, I’m going to do great things and you’ll be the proudest mom ever because you’ll know in your heart that I did it all for you.

But with work taking up most of my time, the only thing I can do right now is to buy you cupcakes. I hope you like theme because they’re supposed to be really good. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you to infinity and beyond.