When a song saves me from myself

Every now and then, I have a bad day. Granted, such days are few and far in between, but when they happen, I feel… burdened. Yes, that’s the word. Burdened.

I feel like there’s this big, heavy hand on my chest that’s trying to stop me from walking any further, and that it takes an extremely enormous amount of effort for me to even take a step forward. And this doesn’t depress me nearly as much as it tires me and weighs me down.

I had a bad day recently. I can’t even remember why anymore – that happens a lot, doesn’t it? I have a feeling it had more to do with me and less to do with what was happening around me. But I do remember feeling just okay right until I stepped into the car. You know how an angry person slams the door so hard that the glass breaks, right? It’s kind of like that except the glass didn’t break; it was the thin layer of just okay-ness that did.

It was like the car was suddenly filled with water and I was drowning. But I wasn’t struggling to breathe. I was just sitting there, waiting for the windows and the windshield to break to flush out the water. But there wasn’t even a crack.

Some twenty minutes later, I found myself in the driveway. I didn’t feel like getting out of the car – that would take effort I couldn’t seem to muster. So I sat there and stared at the wheel, still waiting for the freakin’ windows to break.

And then I realized something. The freakin’ windows weren’t going to break by themselves. So I took out my iPhone, connected it to the player and tapped play, hoping one of the songs in there to be the hammer that would cause the windows to crack.

Then this came on:

Kris Allen’s Out Alive was not that hammer. It was the wrecking ball that smashed the car to pieces, but left me unscathed and whole.

As the song played, the words that echoed in my head found its way to my heart. I felt uplifted, for some reason, by the song’s honesty and its humble dose of hope. The first thing it tells you is that you’re going to have your heart broken, but it ends with you hearing six words that can change everything: Maybe we’ll make it out alive.

And I guess, when we’re experiencing the worst of it all, that’s all we need to help us live through another day- a maybe.

In a previous post, I shared a couple of songs that made me fall in love with life even more. This isn’t one of those songs. In a way, it’s better. Because it reminded me that life is worth falling in love with in the first place.


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