These past six days have mostly revolved around Thoughts – the deep, meaningful ones. It’s hard not to have any of those when I’ve spent the month before catching up with friends I haven’t seen or spoken to in months to talk about life and love and dreams. When I was in that moment, sitting next to them and having a meal and laughing and sharing stories and secrets, it’s easy to just talk without really and thoroughly thinking about all of it.
But when I turned the last page for September in my planner and saw that my October doesn’t feature any familiar faces, I suddenly had to come face to face with the real life part of life and love and dreams. Because as nice as it is to talk about all that with friends, at the end of the day these are the kinds of things that have to be experienced on our own.
Last month, I went out with two of my best friends on separate occasions. The first one, I had lunch and a movie with my guy best friend and his girlfriend. The second one, I had dinner with my other best friend and her boyfriend. Both times I was asked if I’ve already met someone. I haven’t. Both times I was asked if I missed having a boyfriend. I don’t more than I do.
One of my friends recently tweeted that once a person reaches the age of 21, there’s a very high possibility that the person’s already met the one he or she will marry. I just turned 23 so going by that tweet, the “very high” possibility has just gotten higher. But I look at all the guys I know and I don’t see any of them being more to me than a friend, an acquaintance or, in most cases, a very distant Facebook friend. And I’m not at all bummed out by that discovery. I’m also not “out there” searching among the many fishes in the sea.
I’m at a point in my life where having a partner is just an added bonus, not a must-have. A cherry on top of a large vanilla ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.
I do, however, find myself thinking about that part of life more often than I used to. I’ve never clicked on the ‘wedding’ category on Pinterest until a week ago and when I did, I was surprised by how far down I scrolled through the pins. Three days ago, while I was driving home from work, all of a sudden I imagined what it would be like to come home to a house of my own and have dinner with this wonderful person I happen to be married to, or how it would feel to call someone at the end of a long day and just talk about the silliest of things.
It’s not really about the guy – what he looks like or what his interests are. It’s more about the kind of relationship I will have with that person. I realize now just how badly I want to get married to the right person. I think of that part of my future and it terrifies me as much as it excites me because if there’s anything I learned from past experiences, it’s that investing your heart in one person could be worse than investing your entire fortune in a failing stock market. But at the same time, it could also be better than purchasing the winning lottery ticket.
Life and Dreams
I look at where I am in my life right now and I feel very much contented and blessed.
While I never pictured myself being a preschool teacher or tutor before, I’ve grown to like teaching and, more importantly, I’ve fallen in love with the idea of being a key instrument to someone’s future. I will never forget the joy I felt when one of the girls I’m tutoring got into the honor roll or when one of the boys who’s had a history of low grades got his first perfect score in his English test. I never imagined that I would consider someone else’s success as one of the most fulfilling achievements in my life so far. I’ve been going to work everyday with a smile on my face and although I’ve been leaving work with a tired mind, I do so with a very full heart. And it’s because I’ve discovered what, I think, is the greatest reward of being a teacher – making a difference in someone’s life.
But my dream has always been, and will always be, to experience the world – to see different places and meet different people with different lives and to be able to become a part of that. As much as I love what I’m doing now, I will always sleep every night to the lullaby of wanderlust.
Everything I’m doing now all points to that direction, to the direction of my dream. A big part of me feels like my heart’s going to burst out of sheer excitement because I know that, Lord willing, I’m almost at that point where I can make that dream come true. A small part of me feels anxious and petrified. When you dream of something big, it’s imperative that you make all the right moves in exactly the right order, but it takes the simplest mistake, the most insignificant of misfortunes to cause everything to fall apart.
So whenever the silence finds me, I always find myself wondering about where my life will be a year from now – will I be able to make my dream an actuality or will I still be working my way towards it?