There’s an anchor tied around my heart today and it’s dragging me to the bottom of the ocean. I’ve had bad days before but it’s extremely rare that I have a day so bad that I end up crying.
Today is one of those days. My day’s been so bad I just want to hide under a rock and wait until it’s over.
I feel so frustrated and disappointed and discouraged and insecure.
Because the thing is, now matter how many times people have told me how untrue this is and no matter how many times I tell myself this is the wrong way of looking at things, I always measure my worth and success as a teacher by the grades my students get.
And right now, my worth is plunging to the depths of the earth.
Two of the kids I’m tutoring received a failing mark in their exam. But they’re good kids, you know. They’re not like most kids these days who cringe when you put a book in front of them instead of an iPad. We could be studying the same thing for an hour or two and they wouldn’t be secretly mad at me for it. They tell me whenever they have homework and they voluntarily show me their test results regardless of what scores they have. They’re good kids, I’m telling you.
I have never in my entire academic life cried because of a failing grade (and I’ve had many) but right now I’m crying as if onions have been glued to my eyes. I feel frustrated because I’m running out of ideas to help them learn the lessons they’re having trouble with. I feel disappointed because a lot of their mistakes could have been avoided if they were more careful. I feel discouraged because two Fs in one day is as discouraging as it can get. And I feel insecure because if my students fail, that means I fail.
And the only thing worse than failing at something is failing someone. And that’s how I feel.