I needed to write this

This is a different kind of hurt. Different from all the other hurt I’ve felt. But it hurts all the same. It hurts quite a bit more actually.

My eyes are swollen from crying in the bathroom. It’s been years since I ugly cried, and the ugly cry I did awhile ago made up for all those years. It’s nice to be able to cry like that after so long. Isn’t that weird? That I find ugly crying because of this different but very painful hurt nice?

And now I’m crying again because I don’t think that makes sense. And I’m crying because this different kind of hurt is hurting again.

Do you know what it feels like to share your dream – not just any dream, but the dream you’ve envisioned for yourself, the dream that’s been pushing you and encouraging you to go through and overcome the moments of your life that suck so bad – to share that dream with someone you’ve always felt like you could talk to because you just know that person actually listens to what you have to say, and then have that someone just completely shut you out and dismiss every word you say as irrelevant and petty and selfish, and to have that someone be your father?

It feels a different kind of hurt.

This kind of hurt, the one I’m feeling now.

And it hurts.

And I know I’ll probably sweep this under the rug tomorrow until the day I have no choice but to muster up the courage to open this up again, and I’ll probably forget all about this until that day comes, but right now I just want to cry over it. I want to feel the entirety of this different kind of hurt and roll around it and smother myself in it.

Not because I like the pain or because I’m drawn to it. I’m not like that.

But because I feel like I should get used to it. Because I know it’s going to happen again until either one of us has a change of heart.

And I’m not sure which one’s easier to change – a dream for one’s self or a dream for someone else.

And now I’m crying again – I stopped a couple of sentences ago – because what if this different kind of hurt I’m feeling now is the same kind of hurt my father’s feeling?

I need to lie down.

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6 thoughts on “I needed to write this

  1. rossmurray1 January 29, 2015 / 4:35 pm

    Sorry you’re feeling so upset. Just remember the dream is yours. You can surrender it but no one can take it away from you.

    • Kathryn G January 31, 2015 / 2:58 am

      Thank you. I guess this is one of those doing what I should versus doing what I want moments. And normally, I handle those rather well. I was just used to having my dad and I see things the same way, and that’s what made it so hard. But thank you, truly.

  2. Lee J Dawson January 29, 2015 / 7:49 pm

    Do you feel able to discuss this with your father? Sooner would be better than later because, as you say, things tend to get swept under the carpet and, that way, they start to fester. I hope you will be able to talk this out with him. I emphasise with you as I know the kind of hurt that can be caused within a family. It’s painful.

    • Kathryn G January 31, 2015 / 3:02 am

      I will eventually. With my dad, I’ve always known him as someone who has the tendency to say things hastily, but then actually think them through on his own. And he’s not too proud to admit if he’s changed his mind. I’m holding on to that for now. Thank you so much for taking the time to reply to this post. I appreciate it.

  3. Flora January 29, 2015 / 11:06 pm

    I’m sorry you feel this way. Sometimes our parents can say the most hurtful things, and it’s even more awful when you know they don’t intend to do so and only want the best for you. I don’t have any useful advice to give you, but I wish you the best. Dreams are important, but so is family. Unfortunately, sometimes the only way out is compromise.

    And I know how you feel about that ugly cry. It helps release a lot of stress and frustration, so cry as much as you can 🙂

    • Kathryn G January 31, 2015 / 3:08 am

      “Dreams are important, but so is family” is so spot on. I’ve had people tell me to just choose what I want for myself because it’s my life and all, but I think they don’t realize how hard it is for me to intentionally do something that is against my parents’ wishes especially since I did that a lot already growing up. But anyway, I’m more at peace about it now, just praying and letting things be in the meantime. Thank you so much! I appreciate your words.

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