This is a different kind of hurt. Different from all the other hurt I’ve felt. But it hurts all the same. It hurts quite a bit more actually.
My eyes are swollen from crying in the bathroom. It’s been years since I ugly cried, and the ugly cry I did awhile ago made up for all those years. It’s nice to be able to cry like that after so long. Isn’t that weird? That I find ugly crying because of this different but very painful hurt nice?
And now I’m crying again because I don’t think that makes sense. And I’m crying because this different kind of hurt is hurting again.
Do you know what it feels like to share your dream – not just any dream, but the dream you’ve envisioned for yourself, the dream that’s been pushing you and encouraging you to go through and overcome the moments of your life that suck so bad – to share that dream with someone you’ve always felt like you could talk to because you just know that person actually listens to what you have to say, and then have that someone just completely shut you out and dismiss every word you say as irrelevant and petty and selfish, and to have that someone be your father?
It feels a different kind of hurt.
This kind of hurt, the one I’m feeling now.
And it hurts.
And I know I’ll probably sweep this under the rug tomorrow until the day I have no choice but to muster up the courage to open this up again, and I’ll probably forget all about this until that day comes, but right now I just want to cry over it. I want to feel the entirety of this different kind of hurt and roll around it and smother myself in it.
Not because I like the pain or because I’m drawn to it. I’m not like that.
But because I feel like I should get used to it. Because I know it’s going to happen again until either one of us has a change of heart.
And I’m not sure which one’s easier to change – a dream for one’s self or a dream for someone else.
And now I’m crying again – I stopped a couple of sentences ago – because what if this different kind of hurt I’m feeling now is the same kind of hurt my father’s feeling?
I need to lie down.