Thinking in the dark

When I was a kid I always left a light on at night. I saw an episode of Ripley’s Believe It or Not where they showed what was left of a woman who was buried alive, and after that I couldn’t sleep in the dark anymore. I was afraid that I’d wake up locked inside a coffin.

I find it funny how I went from that to this, to feeling at peace in moments like this where all I’m left with are the darkness and my thoughts. I feel safe, protected from people’s judgment and sometimes my own.

I think of all the wonderful memories I had been blessed with, and I smile because it always feels nice to know that regardless of present circumstances there has been goodness in my life. It gives me hope that goodness will still come.

I think of the things I never should have done and I cringe because no amount of thinking could ever undo them. But I always make sure not to entertain those thoughts too long so I push them away in a corner.

And I think about the people I love and what I love or hate about them. Either way, I always think of how crazy amazing it is that I have them in my life. Sometimes, I find it unbelievable that I’m loved by the people I love and that I love the people who love me.

I think about my fears but instead of the darkness fueling them, it swallows them up one by one until the only thing left is my confidence to overcome them.

And then I think of my future and the things I hope it brings with it – fulfilled dreams, accomplished goals, exciting adventures, a really good job and, on sentimental nights like this, a genuinely good guy. On nights like this, the endless possibilities of the unknown excite me more than they terrify me. So I keep myself consumed with these thoughts until my thoughts turn into dreams. I love that. I love falling asleep to the images of the future I want for myself.

And I love thinking in the dark. It’s when my thoughts are the loudest.

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