Thank God for photo albums

I completely forgot they existed. And when I found them, I realized I also completely forgot the little girl I once was. It’s kind of amazing really, when you see the child you once were through the eyes of the adult you’ve become. I can’t describe how it felt trying to reconcile the girl in the photographs to the woman staring back at me in the mirror.

I like to think I still remember how I was as a kid. I like to think I was smart for my age, that I knew how to share my toys and that I didn’t give my parents any trouble. I’d speak when spoken to, always in a polite manner, never forgetting to say please and thank you. I’d never forget to say my prayers at night and before meals.

But the truth is, the things I remember are more made up of pixie dust than real memories. And the truth about that truth is, I kinda like it that way. I like imagining different versions of myself as a kid and I like that I don’t ever really know which version is the correct one. There’s no reason. Just because.

I was born 90% cheeks, 10% everything else
Me on the left. Working on our charm.
Me on the right. With my so not identical twin.
Off to school… or maybe just the porch.
We all have that one photo where our front tooth is missing

So thank God for old, dusty photo albums. Thank God for the many versions of my kid self. And most importantly, thank God for my twin sister because it is now proven that when it comes to baby pictures, two is definitely cuter than one.


From the dusty notebook #5: For the friend whose knife hurt my back

September 2007

I wish you could look at the mirror,

and see what you’ve become.

Everything I thought you were,

are going, going, gone.

I can’t believe at one point in time,

I thought you were a friend.

There are times when I would miss you,

that’s pathetic, sad – I know.

But please don’t be mistaken,

I’d still rather see you go.

I hope you see me now,

see how happy I have been.

I hope you feel the jealousy

I felt when you were with him.

But then, I wouldn’t want that

because then I’d be like you.

So since I’m happy with my life,

I hope that you are too.

Oh, this girl. I’ve had a few girl friends who turned on me throughout elementary and high school but this girl is the only one who I’m still not friends with today. Out of all of them, she was the one I became the closest to. She also happens to be the one who was seemingly out to get me the most. Basically, the story was she liked a guy who liked me, so she gave the guy an ultimatum – if he dated me, their friendship would be over. The guy chose me and we eventually stayed together for 5 years (he’s the guy from the previous dusty notebook entries). That was at the end of our second year in high school. Third year high school was when our publicized feud began. That was the first and only time I’ve had a hate blog dedicated to me and it was pretty interesting. And I have to say that it really did hurt. Back then, I wasn’t the kind of person that I am now. I was the typical high school kind of shallow and was easily affected by the things people said about me.

I wish I could say that I was as mature as what I wrote made me seem, but that would be a lie. Prior to writing that, I did have my moments. I subtly pulled my ex boyfriend away from her because he was still friends with her then. I played the part of the betrayed friend really really well, sometimes too well. And, although I didn’t put up a hate blog, I did write some awful things about her, so did all my other friends.

I’m not proud of it now, especially the fact that all this started because of a boy, but I’m not going to hide it either. I’m pretty sure we all have our Mean Girl moments in high school.

I used to think about you a lot

I used to think about you a lot.

Before we were together.While we were together. After we were together.

I used to think about you a lot,

Until that’s all you have become –


And thoughts aren’t like dreams, not the real ones.

Thoughts go away, disappear,

Then they are no more.

I used to think about you a lot.

Now, not so much.

And soon, not anymore.