I haven’t forgotten you, WordPress

Obviously, I haven’t written anything these past couple of days. I haven’t even bothered to open my account.

I’ve just been feeling really down these past few weeks. Unlike a lot of people, I don’t feel the need and the desire to write more when I’m not feeling too well. I usually just stare at something and think. And pray.

I was driving home from work yesterday when I realized I wasn’t happy which is quite a major thing for me. You know how when you stop at an intersection and glance at the car beside you, and you see that the person behind the wheel is singing and making these weird dance-gesture things with her hands and shoulders? That’s me. The driver’s seat has always been one of my happy places. I’ve never understood people who are always in a hurry when they drive. I’m automatically happy once I get in the car; I think traffic is the perfect opportunity to listen to more songs on my playlist. But last night, I was definitely not feeling the happy. I think that’s when it dawned on me how the past few weeks have really taken its toll on me.

I can’t really explain the why of it though. I mean, I kind of know why but at the same time, I kind of don’t. This all feels foreign to me which I find funny because it also made me realize that I haven’t been unhappy or sad in a very long time, with the exception of my best friend’s ordeal – she’s doing so much better now, by the way. I’m not depressed or dissatisfied or lonely. I’m just, well, down. But not out. I’m never out.

So what was the whole point of this again? I’m not really sure. Honestly, I think it’s just me not wanting a whole week to pass by without saying anything here because this is also my happy place.

Last note, I find it a little odd when a person apologizes for not posting anything on their blogs for a long time. No offense to the people who do. I tried starting this entry with that but I couldn’t type it out without my left eyebrow shooting up. To apologize for not posting anything, to me, seems like I actually think people are expecting me to post something on a regular basis. And that would be even more odd.

So this isn’t an apology. This is just me saying, ”Here I am!”

Would you rather…

Be the best at one thing and suck at all the rest or be just average at everything?

Just a random thought that popped up in my mind today. I’m genuinely curious about what your answers are going to be because I still don’t have one yet.

To my mother

I remember that one Friday in 2006. We were alone in the room. You just found out that I got in big trouble at school. I’ve never seen you so furious and heartbroken and disappointed. I kept telling you that what my school was accusing me of wasn’t true, but you weren’t having it. I was so mad at you for not believing me. But I’m telling you now that you had every right not to… because I lied.

I remember another Friday which was just a few weeks after that first one. We were in the same room. The school called again. You were angry and you were shouting and crying at the same time. I was angry and shouting and crying too. I kept saying it wasn’t true and, like the first time, you didn’t believe me. I’m telling you now that you should have because I was really telling the truth, but also that you not believing me was exactly what I deserved. 

Our relationship before was dysfunctional and, to put it bluntly, just downright broken. We said some nasty things to each other – that is, if we ever spoke to each other. You accused me of loving my ex-boyfriend’s mother more than I loved you. You told me I was the reason you were constantly having high blood pressure. You didn’t bother hiding the fact that you favored my two sisters over me. On the other hand, I never talked to you unless I needed something. It became so natural to me to lie to you about where I was going and who I was with. My priorities didn’t include you – I was fine with having such a horrible relationship with you as long as my relationships with others were going well. 

I was the worst daughter and, to be honest, you weren’t the best mother.

Unlike most messed up relationships, we didn’t have that big relationship-changing moment.  We never had that heart-to-heart talk that would turn everything around. And I honestly don’t know what happened that made our relationship become the way it is today. I’m just beyond grateful that it did.

I’m not saying our relationship is perfect. You can be impatient and demanding, I can be stubborn and hardheaded. You sometimes want me to go in a certain direction while I think I’m better off going in another. I sometimes don’t make an effort to understand the decisions you make. 

But after all the shit we’ve been through, I can say with all my heart that our relationship, while not perfect, is at its personal best. 

I get to talk to you now about stuff I would never consider telling you before. I get to have dates with you and not be worried about awkward silences or conversations. I get to laugh at you and with you. I get to ask you if a dress looks good on me or not. I get to be asked if a dress looks good on you or not. Most of all, I get to tell you I love you and not be hesitant to say it. 

I’m sorry for all the times I made you mad and disappointed in me and for making you cry. It pains me that I can’t assure you that they won’t ever happen again, but I can guarantee you that if they do, I will not be too proud to apologize nor too grown-up to drop everything and be there for my Momma. 

I’m also sorry for not being able to spend Mother’s Day with you. Not only did I have to go to work on your special day, you also volunteered to drive me there at five in the morning.

You fill my heart with so much love, Mom. I hope I can do the same for you. And I promise you that one day, I’m going to do great things and you’ll be the proudest mom ever because you’ll know in your heart that I did it all for you.

But with work taking up most of my time, the only thing I can do right now is to buy you cupcakes. I hope you like theme because they’re supposed to be really good. Happy Mother’s Day, Mom. I love you to infinity and beyond.

With arms wide open

It’s moments like this that make me fall in love with life all over again.

No settling down for me any time soon then

One of the perks that come with my job is having free unlimited and unrestricted access to the Internet. And since work was really slow yesterday, I decided to take advantage of that. So I opened Google and typed “things every girl must do.” I was curious to find out what people think I should be doing that I haven’t done yet. One of the articles that appeared on the top of the page was Glamour Magazine’s 36 things every single girl must do before she settles down, and I thought hmm, that’s interesting. Not that I have plans to get committed real soon – I’m pretty sure I need a guy first to make that happen. I just wanted to know whether or not I had that option, just in case Ben Barnes suddenly knocks on my front door and proposes. I KNOW, I KNOW.

But fear not, Mom and Dad. According to this article, I still have a long way to go before I can settle down. You’d think the list would be full of deep, personal stuff like, I don’t know, meeting the guy’s family maybe? But I thought a lot of things on the list were unnecessary and a bit nonsense, to be honest. Or maybe I’m just bitter because that means no Ben Barnes for me. You be the judge.

1.  Live alone, or at least move apartments in NYC without the help of family - I’m not ashamed to say that I’m 22 years old and I still live with my parents. Most people would say that young adults aren’t independent if they still live in their parents’ house and that they couldn’t really be considered adults because of it. For me, though, there’s another, more significant flipside to it. I don’t look at it as me still depending on my parents for everything, because I don’t; it’s more of me being with my parents to take care of them and my grandparents, since they’re also living with us. I mean, of course there are times when I love being alone but more than anything I love living with my family. And I’d have no problem if it stays that way until I have a family of my own.
2. Train for (and finish) a huge physical test like a half-marathon - While I’m not an all-star athlete, I’m not completely terrible at physical challenges either. If there was a schoolyard pick, I’d probably get picked in the middle. I don’t train for marathons because I have no interest in joining any. But I did climb up 500  really steep steps to reach the top of a mountain when I was in Caramoan and I was able to do that without having exercised at all in the weeks prior. Because I was swimming and spelunking before that, my legs and knees were already buckling 50 steps into it. I’m not sure if that counts but it definitely was a physical test for me and I conquered that big baby.
3. Quit your job - Well, I just started mine… so no, thank you.
4. Fly to a foreign country by yourself – This one’s on my bucket list so I really am praying for this. Hopefully, my plan to travel throughout Europe in 2016 will push through.
5. Get drunk during the day, just because you can - Yeah, I can. The only problem is I don’t want to.
6. Go on a date with someone who actually makes you nervous - I think I prefer going on a date with someone who actually makes me feel comfortable. Plus, as some of you probably know by now, I’m excruciatingly awkward when I’m nervous so this is also for the guy’s sake as much as it is for mine.
7. Go out with an older man who takes you somewhere nice and makes you feel like a million bucks - I’m sorry but when I read this, a rather unpleasant word came to my mind and it’s not a word I’d want to associate myself with.
8. Chill with your widowed and single grandma - My 94-year-old grandfather is still very much alive and healthy, and I intend to keep it that way for a very long time.
9. Attend a wedding alone - You mean without a date? Isn’t that pretty normal for any single girl?
10. Date the creeps - I have to do that before I settle down? What if I date the really creepy kind of creep and not make it out alive to actually be able to settle down?
11. Buy yourself some flowers - It’s not that I don’t like flowers. I just like looking at them more than I do receiving them. Flowers can be really expensive, and I’d rather use the money to buy a book or watch a movie.
12. Invest in a LBD (little black dress) and some sexy stilettos - Stilettos kill my feet. It’s as simple as that. I salute all the women whose feet can bear such an ordeal.
13. Buy something frivolous and expensive that you love wearing - I’m the kind of person who, when it comes to shopping for clothes and accessories, never buys anything frivolous and expensive. I think the most expensive article of clothing I bought is a pair of jeans worth $20.
14. Make a list of all your faults - I never thought of doing this one, but this is kind of interesting. Maybe I’ll write about this and post it here for all of you to see. Yes, I think I’ll do that.
15. Learn to cook well - I was about to cross this one off until I saw the word “well.”
16. Let your married friends edit your online dating profile - Online dating profile? I think I’ll pass.

So I’m pretty sure Glamour Magazine would discourage me from settling down in the near future. They probably think I shouldn’t get settle down at all if these are their prerequisites.

Thankfully, I have my own prerequisites to follow which, if I’m settling down with the right guy, are really easy to abide by.

1. Get my parents’ approval.
2. Get his parents’ approval.
3. Get my siblings’ approval.
4. Get his siblings’ approval.
5. Get God’s approval.

Yeah, I think if I’m able to get these five things, everything else will work out splendidly.

What are yours?

To my grandparents

After 65 years together, it’s still as though you just got married yesterday. I’ve never seen any couple, old or young, who’s as in love with each other as you two are. You make each other extremely and utterly happy without even trying. You always hold hands, even if it’s just going from one room to another.You don’t fight, not because you don’t have disagreements but because you compromise before arguing. You don’t eat unless the other does. You don’t sleep until the other’s lying beside you. You look at each other and smile. You kiss each other good morning and good night. You love each other truly and completely, and everyone around you can feel it.

I will forever remember that time when Ama (grandmother) was very sick in the hospital. My sisters and I were just talking on the couch by the window, passing the time. I looked around and I saw Angkong (grandfather), standing beside Ama’s bed. Your hands were interlaced, you had your head bowed down, and you were praying. I cry whenever that image pops up in my head because while the thought of losing both of you breaks my heart, the thought of either of you getting left behind by the other is literally unbearable.

Your four sons and their wives, your three daughters and their husbands, your 19 grandchildren and your great grandchild are above and beyond blessed to have you. This family’s unwavering bond, the blessings we’ve experienced and, most of all, our faith in God are all because of you and how you brought us up.

There are so may bad things happening around the world today and it scares me. There’s so much hate that, sometimes, I’m tempted to give in to it and let it consume me. But I look at you and the love you share and, as cheezy as it may sound, I believe in love again. I hope and pray that one day, I’ll have a love story like yours.

Happy 65th Anniversary, Angkong and Ama. I love you both dearly.

The unlikely story of how I got the job: Part 3

Going into that last interview, I felt like I was on my way to the guillotine. Quite frankly, it had less to do with the possibility of me losing the job offer and more with the idea of facing The HR Man again. I’m no expert in reading people’s thoughts but I can more or less sense if a person likes me or not – and my senses were screaming that this man was not at all amused by my subdued sparkly personality. I wasn’t even praying for the job anymore, I was praying for my dignity – that I won’t be ripped to bits and pieces.

Now would be a good time to point out that this man is gay. Before I go further though, let me just say that I have no problem whatsoever with gays. I have a couple of gay friends and I think they’re wonderful people. The HR Man is probably a wonderful person too. It’s just that he terrifies me. He reminds me so much of Meryl Streep in The Devil Wears Prada – which, for the record, is what my sisters say will be my life story with this whole experience (if it isn’t obvious enough, I’m Anne Hathaway, not Meryl Streep). But really, how can anyone not feel the least bit intimidated when you’re face to face with the gay version of Meryl Streep?

Anyway, The Interview. It already sounds terrifying, doesn’t it? A lot of things were said. I’m not sure if most of the comments could be considered bad because, personally, they weren’t. It’s common for people to remember the bad in a situation more than the good. I remember the awkward ones the most, and The Interview had more awkward moments than anything else – like my very painstakingly thought out attempt at lightening the mood with a witty remark… which ended with him staring at me as if thinking, “You are one sad, sad creature.”

The most significant moment of the interview, however, was when he said he had two major concerns about me.

1. “You’re too sheltered.” I could understand where he was coming from with this one. I’ve accepted the fact that there’s something about how I act or talk when I meet people for the first time, especially the ones who terrify me, that just gives them the impression that I’m a quiet lost girl with no friends and no life and no future. And knowing that I was raised in a strong Christian household would understandably make him think that I’m overprotected and inexperienced with “life” (because he actually told me to “go live life and go wild and crazy in Bangkok”). Overprotected? Yeah, maybe. Not denying that. Inexperienced with “life”? Well, if you define life as going out to parties on a daily basis, getting drunk/high/laid every now and then, and basically doing anything and everything that a lot of young people nowadays brag about to their friends but hide from their parents, then I am definitely inexperienced, and proud of it. I’m also unsure how that’s a bad thing.
2. “If I look at you and how you dress, and I get bored, what more can I expect from your work?” When I heard him say this, I seriously couldn’t stop myself from smiling. I mean, I was very much aware that it was an insult and that being told up front that he was bored with me simply because of how I dressed was a really bad sign – BUT I genuinely found that comment so hilarious because I’ve been teased about how I dress by my sisters, friends and even my ex-boyfriend. They said I sometimes dress like a pregnant lady because I like loose tops and bootleg jeans. I’m obviously not the type of girl who loves shopping and fashion, so I don’t dress as fashionably as other girls do. To be honest, I actually thought I looked pretty good in my mint green loose (not pregnant loose) blouse tucked in my flared jeans and nude heels. I even made the extra effort to wear accessories. I felt more fashionable than comfortable, that’s for certain. It makes me wonder what outfit I should have worn that would be deemed pleasing to him – evening gown, maybe? But it’s still amusing to hear someone criticize my sense of fashion… or lack thereof apparently, which really doesn’t bother me at all because I do prioritize feeling comfortable with what I’m wearing than looking like I’m always dressed to please somebody.

I know hearing these thing should have shook my already barely there confidence, but it kind of did the opposite. With the first one, I found his comment more interesting than anything else and the second one just really made me laugh inside. I came to this interview feeling awfully nervous because I was afraid he’d say I wasn’t good enough. It turned out to be that his reservations were personal aspects of me – aspects that I happen to like about myself – rather than my writing capabilities. That’s when I felt that if ever I didn’t land this job, it wouldn’t hurt me as much as it would before going to this interview.

But it turns out I wouldn’t hurt at all because he ended The Interview by telling me that his gut feeling was saying that I have potential and that, should I accept the position, he looks forward to what I can offer the Agency. So here I am, two weeks in the job and feeling pretty good about myself and my work.

I end this crazy long story of how I got the job by saying two things:

1. It doesn’t hurt to pray. This doesn’t just apply to finding jobs, and this isn’t just exclusive for Christians only. If you believe in God, then prayer should be a vital part of your life. Trust me, it helps. And if you don’t believe in God, then what have you got to lose by doing it? If nothing happens, then nothing happens and you can go on feeling right about your belief. If something happens, then it’s up to you to choose what to make of it. It’s a win-win situation, really.
2. Never compromise the characteristics that make you you, especially the ones that make you a good person. But at the same time, respect the fact that not everybody will be completely pleased with that. I’m not saying we shouldn’t be open to the idea of change. What I’m saying is if we’re going to change, let’s make sure we’re changing for the better and not for people’s approval. These people only get to be with us for a certain amount of time, we’re going to have to live with ourselves for the rest of our lives. And that would be impossible to do if we don’t like ourselves.